Category: Uncategorized

After 5 long years working at the zoo taking care of the koalas I finally applied for promotion to look after the elephants. Sadly though, I didn’t the job.
Apparently my koalifications were irrelephant for the job.

Are seals just dog mermaids?

Whats the difference between “Beer Nuts” and “Deer Nuts”?
“Beer Nuts” are a dollar twenty-five and “Deer Nuts” are under a buck.

I always cry when I chop an onion.
Unlike kittens.

A German cat gave birth to 6 kittens. 5 of them were all healthy, but one was stillborn.
The healthy kittens will have nine lives, while the stillborn kitten will have nein lives

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give a fish a man and it will eat off him for weeks.

I found a hornet in my car.
I’m going kerb crawling tonight to test it out.

I took my dog to the vets and said, “can you sort my dog out, it’s bitten my wife, she’s okay though, just a small scratch on her neck.”
“Do you want me to destroy it, sir?”
“No!!”, I said,”can you sharpen it’s teeth so it kills her next time!?”

Scientists have found a spider that has been trapped for 49 million years. I didn’t know dinosaurs had bath tubs.

I just got an angry email from the local paper after I tried to publish a notice in the lost and found section:
FOUND – Somebody’s pet Budgie, it’s blue with a yellow beak, what it lacks in zest it makes up for in it’s functionality as a bookmark.

I was milking some cows today.
I got most of their money before they noticed the cards were marked.

I walked up to a woman feeding ducks in the park.
“Excuse me, but is that not a bit weird?” I asked.
“No, why would it be?” she replied.
“Because normal people use bread, not breast milk.”

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. “How do I get him to sing?” The young man asked, excitedly. “Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet.” was the shop owner’s reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot’s left foot. Chet began to sing: “Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! …” The shop owner then held another match under the parrot’s right foot. Then Chet’s tune changed, and the air was filled with: ” Silent Night, Holy Night…”
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
“How beautiful!” She exclaimed, “Can he talk?” “No,” the young man replied, “But he can sing. Let me show you.” So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet’s left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: “Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!…” The man then moved the lighter to Chet’s right foot, and out came: “Silent Night, Holy night…”
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, “What if we hold the lighter between his legs?” The man did not know. “Let’s try it,” he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet’s legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire….”

While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board.
I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a 50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.
“I’ll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!” the customer complained.

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean Beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef

I think it’s unexceptable to mix races.
You never see Horses and Dogs racing in one race do you.

The vet said to the Irish dairy farmer “I’m sorry, it’s bad news. All your cows have Blue Tongue. The farmer replies “Bejaysus….I didn’t even know they had mobiles!”

There’s no such thing as an ‘ok’ crocodile wrestler

The wife told me over breakfast that she has invented a shower gel for pigs. I said “hogwash”?

Daniel radcliffe has said to wagner that it would be awesome to have a pet lion. So are dragons, winged horses, three headed dogs and werewolves pretty basic then?

My friend has a pet German Shepherd. Every time I visit him, it puts its face straight into my groin.
I have a Yorkshire Terrier and all this kneeling down is killing my back.

I love feeding stray cats…..
To my dog.

I bought a German Shephard the other day to protect my home from burglars…
He isn’t very good though, I got burgled last night while he was flocking the sheep.

Why are the slender protuberances from eukaryotic cells more comical than the flagella found on prokaryotic cells? Because the former are cilia! (In reality, they are not “sillier” and are, if anything, more motile due to sinosoidal undulations!!).

A dolphin will jump out of the water for a piece of fish……….
imagine what he’d do for some chips!?

My dog likes it when I speak on his behalf.
Yes he does! Yes he does

Fox mauls twins in bed.
Wheres Derrick Bird with his gun when you need him……..Boom Boom.

Whats black, white and red all over?
Half a badger

Whats the worst thing about going on safari?
Knowing you wasted your money on an imac.