After 5 long years working at the zoo taking care of the koalas I finally applied for promotion to look after the elephants. Sadly though, I didn’t the job.
Apparently my koalifications were irrelephant for the job.
Category: Jokes, Advice, Tips
animals-insects or joke?
Are seals just dog mermaids?
animals-insects or joke?
Whats the difference between “Beer Nuts” and “Deer Nuts”?
“Beer Nuts” are a dollar twenty-five and “Deer Nuts” are under a buck.
animals-insects or joke?
I always cry when I chop an onion.
Unlike kittens.
animals-insects or joke?
A German cat gave birth to 6 kittens. 5 of them were all healthy, but one was stillborn.
The healthy kittens will have nine lives, while the stillborn kitten will have nein lives
animals-insects or joke?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give a fish a man and it will eat off him for weeks.
animals-insects or joke?
I found a hornet in my car.
I’m going kerb crawling tonight to test it out.
animals-insects or joke?
I took my dog to the vets and said, “can you sort my dog out, it’s bitten my wife, she’s okay though, just a small scratch on her neck.”
“Do you want me to destroy it, sir?”
“No!!”, I said,”can you sharpen it’s teeth so it kills her next time!?”
animals-insects or joke?
Scientists have found a spider that has been trapped for 49 million years. I didn’t know dinosaurs had bath tubs.
animals-insects or joke?
I just got an angry email from the local paper after I tried to publish a notice in the lost and found section:
FOUND – Somebody’s pet Budgie, it’s blue with a yellow beak, what it lacks in zest it makes up for in it’s functionality as a bookmark.
animals-insects or joke?
I was milking some cows today.
I got most of their money before they noticed the cards were marked.
animals-insects or joke?
I walked up to a woman feeding ducks in the park.
“Excuse me, but is that not a bit weird?” I asked.
“No, why would it be?” she replied.
“Because normal people use bread, not breast milk.”
animals-insects or joke?
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. “How do I get him to sing?” The young man asked, excitedly. “Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet.” was the shop owner’s reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot’s left foot. Chet began to sing: “Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! …” The shop owner then held another match under the parrot’s right foot. Then Chet’s tune changed, and the air was filled with: ” Silent Night, Holy Night…”
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
“How beautiful!” She exclaimed, “Can he talk?” “No,” the young man replied, “But he can sing. Let me show you.” So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet’s left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: “Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!…” The man then moved the lighter to Chet’s right foot, and out came: “Silent Night, Holy night…”
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, “What if we hold the lighter between his legs?” The man did not know. “Let’s try it,” he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet’s legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire….”
animals-insects or joke?
While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board.
I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a 50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.
“I’ll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!” the customer complained.
animals-insects or joke?
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean Beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef
animals-insects or joke?
I think it’s unexceptable to mix races.
You never see Horses and Dogs racing in one race do you.
animals-insects or joke?
The vet said to the Irish dairy farmer “I’m sorry, it’s bad news. All your cows have Blue Tongue. The farmer replies “Bejaysus….I didn’t even know they had mobiles!”
animals-insects or joke?
There’s no such thing as an ‘ok’ crocodile wrestler
animals-insects or joke?
The wife told me over breakfast that she has invented a shower gel for pigs. I said “hogwash”?
animals-insects or joke?
Daniel radcliffe has said to wagner that it would be awesome to have a pet lion. So are dragons, winged horses, three headed dogs and werewolves pretty basic then?
animals-insects or joke?
My friend has a pet German Shepherd. Every time I visit him, it puts its face straight into my groin.
I have a Yorkshire Terrier and all this kneeling down is killing my back.
animals-insects or joke?
I love feeding stray cats…..
To my dog.
animals-insects or joke?
I bought a German Shephard the other day to protect my home from burglars…
He isn’t very good though, I got burgled last night while he was flocking the sheep.
animals-insects or joke?
Why are the slender protuberances from eukaryotic cells more comical than the flagella found on prokaryotic cells? Because the former are cilia! (In reality, they are not “sillier” and are, if anything, more motile due to sinosoidal undulations!!).
animals-insects or joke?
A dolphin will jump out of the water for a piece of fish……….
imagine what he’d do for some chips!?
animals-insects or joke?
My dog likes it when I speak on his behalf.
Yes he does! Yes he does
animals-insects or joke?
Fox mauls twins in bed.
Wheres Derrick Bird with his gun when you need him……..Boom Boom.
animals-insects or joke?
Whats black, white and red all over?
Half a badger
animals-insects or joke?
Whats the worst thing about going on safari?
Knowing you wasted your money on an imac.
animals-insects or joke?
Dogs Trust never put a healthy dog down.
so what do they do if they’ve got a cold?
animals-insects or joke?
Does anyone know how long you can leave a chicken in a freezer?
I put it in last night, and this morning it was dead…
animals-insects or joke?
It took me an hour to bury my cat , it wouldn’t stop moving.
animals-insects or joke?
I just saw a bird versus squirrel fight. A car won.
animals-insects or joke?
I took my pet pig to the vet’s today.
Turns out he has pulled a hamstring.
animals-insects or joke?
So many cats, not enough recipes
animals-insects or joke?
When I was a kid my mum used to puke in my mouth and make me eat it. Then again I am a penguin.
animals-insects or joke?
I shaved a hedgehog today…
It was pointless.
animals-insects or joke?
The only sound animals should make is sizzle.
animals-insects or joke?
I gave an ant a 7UP bottle lid to use as a boat to sail across a puddle.
It’s Cap-sized.
animals-insects or joke?
Today I played fetch with my cat, it was great fun.
Every time I threw him, my dog brought him back.
animals-insects or joke?
Just read the booklet to claim Jobseeker’s Allowance. Without a word of a lie, it says at the bottom “If you need help to read this booklet, please call (this number)”.
To be honest, if you need help to read that booklet, there isn’t a chance that you’re getting a job anyway.
animals-insects or joke?
Pet owners: Rats make ideal ‘large print’ mice for short-sighted cats
animals-insects or joke?
My wife was going away for the weekend, and as she left she kissed me on the cheek and said: “Be Good”.
As she closed the door, I chuckled under my breath; “While the cats away, the mice can play.”
I spent all weekend playing with my pet mice. It was lovely.
animals-insects or joke?
I can’t stand my 3 legged dog anymore.
animals-insects or joke?
Our dog is ‘in season’ apparently.
Why the wife insists her being the height of fashion, I’ll never know.
animals-insects or joke?
I was trying to learn dolphin the other day
I was finding it really tough
Then it just clicked
animals-insects or joke?
Sky Sports: “McCarthy loving Wolves life”
That’s all well and good, but shouldn’t he be focusing on pre-season training rather than running in packs and howling at the moon?
animals-insects or joke?
Chickens have such a hightened panic reflex that even after their heads have been cut off their first reaction is to run away.
Just remind me again; who invented the guillotine?
animals-insects or joke?
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Amblyopsidae, which are commonly referred to as cavefish, blindfish, or swampfish. They are small freshwater fish found in the dark environments of swamps, caves, and some deep lakes. They are known for having no eyesight.
I found one and named it fsh.
animals-insects or joke?
Whats worse than waking up with a lot of pubic hair stuck between your teeth?
Waking up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth..
I thought the worst thing was waking up with skid marks on your tongue?